Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on Apr 8, 2019 12:53:20 GMT
I slept in my parents bedroom in a large high sided cot until I was about seven years old.
I am remembering waking up in the middle of the night retching at the smell of my father's vomit.
Turns out I fell asleep in their bed, and when my father came to bed in an alcoholic stupor, he staggered over to my cot, vomited directly into it, lifted me out of their bed, put me back into my cot, then went to bed.
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on Apr 9, 2019 12:56:20 GMT
I am remembering the time my mother was in an altercation with the next door neighbor and she attacked him with a hatchet.
The neighbor came to our front door "looking for trouble" in my mothers words. My mother told me to stand next to the door, and wait until she got back with a weapon to "even up the score". She then ran through the house and out the back to the out-house where she said she "shook the head" of every potential weapon available to make sure it was fit for purpose and would "give him what he was looking for" and " get him good and proper".
When she got back she told me to open the door and launched herself towards him. She then "danced around him like a fairy" hitting him with the hatchet whilst he fought with my disabled brother on the front lawn.
When the police arrived, charges were pressed against my mother for Grievous Bodily Harm (GBH). The police wanted to know if what she did was premeditated or a crime of passion / self defense. From where I was standing it definitely looked premeditated, she even seemed to be enjoying herself as she was laughing about it at the time.
She told the police that she was defending her disabled son, when it was her that had put my brother in that position in the first place. He was doing her bidding and defending her.
She got the family together and said that if we told the police that it was premeditated and what had actually happened that there would be no one to look after my disabled brothers because she could go to prison and that would be our fault. She then got my sisters to lie and say they were witnesses when they weren't even there to strengthen her case.
The whole family agreed not to tell the police what had really happened and the charges were dropped from Grievous Bodily Harm (GBH) - which carries life imprisonment (with intent to do serious harm) which has a maximum of 5 years) to assault occasioning actual bodily harm (ABH - again a maximum of 5 years) to Common Assault or Assault By Beating (Maximum 6 months) she was eventually let go with a suspended sentence and court order to keep the peace for 12 months.
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on Apr 10, 2019 13:21:10 GMT
I am remembering being asleep in bed and waking up in the middle of the night with my mother hitting me up and down my legs repeatedly with a six foot wooden broom handle.
This was for borrowing my older sisters (the golden child) boots without asking.
My sister found me in the school disco wearing them. She dragged me off the dance floor and down a flight of stairs to the toilets where she threatened to beat me up in front of my friends, took the boots off my feet and made me walk the 3 miles home alone, in the dark, in my bare feet, in the winter.
It was when my sister got home after her night out that she told my mother what I did which instigated my mother to attack me whilst I slept.
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on Apr 10, 2019 13:41:32 GMT
My mother put my childhood dog and best friend down (he was in perfect health) but told me that he had escaped from the back garden too many times so she had given him away to a nice family who lived on a farm so he would be safe and have plenty of room to run free.
She told me the truth years later when I was a grown women with kids of my own. When I asked her why she lied to me as a kid she said because she didn't want to deal with my emotional reaction. She saw it as a practical solution, and saw no problem in either killing my dog or lying to me about it.
I think its interesting symbolically speaking, that she killed the dog for escaping the family home.
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on Apr 12, 2019 16:02:24 GMT
Regarding my relationship with my sister (The Golden Child)
A few years ago after my seriously mentally and physically disabled brother died, and my alcoholic bpd/npd mother's dementia went full blown, my three sisters dealt with it by writing a book about my mothers life. They got it published, and at the time there was even talk of a film deal.
In the book they white washed, idealized and romanticized the story of my mothers life in Ireland, our fleeing as refugees from the troubles. and wove a story of romance through it, removing any trace of actual truth. #Denial #TraumaBonding #Gaslighting
They then tried to suck me back in to the status quo by bombarding me with links to it in emails and messages, asking me who I would like to play me in the film and trying to get me to side with thier version of reality, as they had done with me my whole life. #Gaslighting. (I was no contact with them all by then)
I understand this is what we all did to cope with the devastating effects of the childhood trauma we suffered at the hands of our toxic parents rather than facing the facts of our lives. #DissociativeAmnesia
They all so thoroughly denied my reality and betrayed me, there was not one person I could trust in my family to speak the truth, until now when one of my sisters is beginning to show signs of waking up.
My sister (the golden child) arrived at my front door just before Christmas with another attempt to suck me back in. She has bullied and scapegoated me my whole life for speaking the truth about the family dysfunction and abuse, and speaking out against her own abusive behavior towards me. She was also the right hand of my abusive mother and she benefited financially from keeping the status quo.
I have been no contact with her for several years. For the first time when she knocked on my door I stood my ground, and before she could say a word I calmly and firmly told her exactly why I was no contact with her, and what I thought of her showing up at my door with another attempt to suck me back in. I then quietly closed the door and walked away. She later put this note through my letterbox.
Hi Ali I came to tell you I love you. What you said 2day you are totally right. I had a breakdown and realized exactly what you said today. I have been having treatment. I wish you well. You are right.
* Validation Comes When You Longer Need It
* Unconditional Love Does Not Mean Lack Of Boundaries
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on May 5, 2019 14:21:07 GMT
"There is no order of difficulty in miracles" - ACIM.
This morning I uncovered a hidden belief that I have carried within me my whole life around love relationships with men, that because of what my father did to me as an infant (childhood sexual abuse) that I was broken beyond repair. No wonder I had to dissociate.
I think there comes a point on the journey where "facing realty" remembering and telling "our story" isn't as helpful to us any more, I think at some point we have to go beyond it. #GoneQuantum
Ultimately, at the end of the day its ALL got to be FORGIVEN. A Course In Miracles teaches that one thing is not harder to forgive than another, both are equally illusory in this world of form. But its not until we go within and see whats there that we can change anything. #LightOfAwareness
None of this has to define me, if it is defining me it is because I am choosing it on some level, consciously or UN-consciously. #FreeSpirit
Trauma related dissociation and denial keep us locked into patterns we can't see and therefore have no power to change. Seeing these things is a blessing and our ticket home. #Gratitude
What do I choose to see? Where do I want to go?
I want a fresh start. A complete wiping clean of the slate regarding my love relationships with men. A re-set point.
I do not need to be afraid of men any more. I understand now why I was, remembering my story served its purpose to awaken me to the truth of what happened to me. I know my own story now.
As deep and dark as these wounds are they do not define me, even as I am bleeding from them. I have come to over come. #IAmPhoenixIRise
"So you mean I have been building my life on a false premise by facing reality and feeling that that legitimized giving my attention to this unwanted thing. Even Esther will occasionally say “but Abraham, it’s true! But it’s true.” as if that is any prerequisite for what you give your attention to. A belief is only a thought that you keep thinking. And you, as human beings, are the harborer of so many unproductive beliefs. The largest among them: I’m not worthy." - Abraham Hicks.
Dear masculine, I am sorry for unconsciously blaming you for what my father did to me as a child. I had no idea what was going on until I began remembering the child sexual trauma. I release all of you from the burden of blame. Its not the masculines fault. Every man that comes along is not going to hurt me. Today I have new understanding and I will not use that old template and place it on the masculine any longer. I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me. Yes I still have wounds to heal and release but I am letting the nightmare be over. It is safe for me to me happy. I choose happiness for myself. I can create the life I want. I can rise like a phoenix from the ashes, born anew as many times as I like. My father did not kill God, God is a ALIVE and magic is REAL. #Forgiveness
SUB-NOTE EDIT: 23/08.2020: Regarding forgiveness: I think trauma survivors need to be very careful around the concept's of pure non dualism and quantum forgiveness otherwise it can leave us open and vulnerable to being sucked back into the narcissistic abuse cycle, which is what happened to me. #TRAUMABONDING Today I see forgiveness as a removal of the charge around a past trigger and nothing whatsoever to do with the perpetrator of the abuse. #SELFCARE
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on May 6, 2019 10:57:00 GMT
I am currently experiencing a very shocking flashback to when I was a little girl, under the age of seven. My father ordering me (he didn't speak, he didn't request, he ordered, everything was an order under fear of severe violent punishment) to "take my knickers off" the visual is of me standing away from him slightly to the left of the room crying and refusing to cooperate.
Be exactly who the f*ck you are and save your own grown-ass adult self 1111 @ myresilientheartcommunityforum.com ❤️
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on May 6, 2019 15:33:08 GMT
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein.
I was extremely shy / introverted / quiet / semi none verbal as a child and was diagnosed as educationally sub-normal at eleven during the Eleven-plus examination. (Examination administered to some students in England and Northern Ireland in their last year of primary education, which governs admission to grammar schools and other secondary schools which use academic selection.)
Because of how I did academically on the test they wanted to put me in a special needs school for disabled kids, but my sister contested it saying there was nothing wrong with my intelligence, and that it would be an inappropriate learning environment, so I ended up in a main stream school, but with no additional help or support.
I couldn't afford to pay for private academic testing, so in 1996 I enrolled as a mature student onto a first year degree course to qualify for free academic testing. The educational psychologist told me that my IQ score was off her chart, she said she literally couldn't test me any further with the equipment she had brought with her. She diagnosed me as neurodivergent with a combination of Dyspraxia, Dyslexia and Dyscalculia with "other neurological differences of a very complex nature". I am currently waiting to be tested for autism.
So in one life time I have gone from educationally subnormal to highly intelligent, but not really! School also refused to let me take part in art past a certain age, saying I wasn't fast enough or accurate enough at real life drawing to participate.
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on May 6, 2019 15:40:29 GMT
Hyperdimensional Beings OBE'S & Other Neurological Phenomena
I am remembering having contact with Hyperdimensional Beings via dream visitations, that occurred two or three times a month over a period of years. We would communicate telepathically. I never wanted to leave and would wake up back in my body crying and totally distraught every time. I also channeled information in my journal in the form of spiritual guidance for my awakening.
Terence McKenna on Hyperdimensional Beings
I am remembering being about 7 years old, I was asleep in my parents bed whilst they were down stairs drunk and fighting. I suddenly "woke up" and became aware that my consciousness was looking down on my physical body from the bedroom ceiling whilst my body was fast asleep in the bed. I panicked and tried to get back into my body but couldn't. I began to scream with fear at being locked out of my body whilst looking down at my body laying in the bed making no sound or movement. I remember trying three times to get back into my body, on the 3rd attempt I got back in and sat up screaming.
I am remembering experiencing intense episodes of synesthesia in childhood and into adulthood. It would come on mostly when I was resting or trying to sleep. All of a sudden all of my senses, sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch would intertwine and I would have the feeling of leaving my body really fast. I would try to regain control to stop it happening by grounding myself with physical activity or clapping my hands together and focusing on the sensations and noise to bring myself back into my body. I feel these episodes could be linked to stress and overwhelm.
I am remembering that I used to regularly have black outs, memory lapses and lose time a lot as a child. I would experience episodes of intense sensory overwhelm and pain in my head and projectile vomit repeatedly. A family member would find me laying on the floor unconscious somewhere around the house, on the stairs, or outside in the garden where I had been playing. When they woke me up I would be extremely light sensitive, unable to talk, walk or function and have to be in a darkened room sometimes for days at a time. My father worked night shifts and had a black-out blind in the bedroom he shared with my mother, I was put back in the bed where the sexual abuse took place.
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on Jul 6, 2019 11:33:33 GMT
"Everybody is a Genius. But If You Judge a Fish by Its Ability to Climb a Tree, It Will Live Its Whole Life Believing that It is Stupid" - Albert Einstein
I am currently experiencing another incredibly powerful and life changing paradigm shift accepting / integrating my neurodiversity.
Last night I went to bed and started having intense flashbacks of my life in light of my neurodiversity. I understand this needs to happen, that it is a form of perspective taking and part of the journey of accepting / integrating my neurodiversity.
I woke up feeling unworthy and not enough. When I questioned the belief I realized that it was based on how I was treated by my family of origin, the education system and society in general. I have never felt there was a place for me here on this planet, or that it was okay for me to be different.
The message I got was that I was a broken neurotypical (stupid/thick/dumb) not a whole neurodivergent (different skill set) and that the only way to be accepted was to be like everyone else.
I blamed myself, felt like a bad person and internalized a lot of shame for being different. I didn't want to be a bad person or to cause any trouble, so I hid / masked / camouflaged as best I could and focused on helping other people to the point where I no longer knew who I was any more.
*Mask: – The facade an autistic person assumes to appear neurotypical, perform as a neurotypical person and suppress autistic traits
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on Aug 12, 2019 20:02:29 GMT
I am not doing so well at the moment, I am experiencing a dental health crisis and could do with your prayers.
I think all the purging of my life story has finally caught up with me and a tooth abscess and dental surgery last Thursday has plunged me into depression and deep somatic processing of the child sexual abuse.
Tonight the pain and overwhelm afford me a realization that I had to be took to the point of intense overwhelm to not mask and ask for help. I am not the person I thought I was. I have kept everything well hidden. Asking for help has been one of the hardest thing I have ever done. Things had to get very dark for me to finally reach out.
RE: 7 August at 20:39 PRAYER REQUEST: I am in intense physical pain due to a dental infection that came on suddenly. Hopefully I will get an emergency appointment tomorrow and have teeth removed. (I have a dental phobia due to dental abuse as a child) I am allergic to antibiotics and have been treating it with clay, but it doesn't seem to be working and my face is beginning to swell up. My anxiety is very high and I would appreciate your prayers, thank you.
The pain and energetic overwhelm got so intense I had to go lay down and just cry, as the sobbing subsided I began to ask myself what the pain was trying to teach me and immediately I got an answer in the form of a flashback.
I flash backed to when I was a little girl and my mother was in the psychiatric unit, and how she was after the treatment. The treatment was Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) I was not allowed to visit her in psychiatric unit. When she came home it was terrifying for me to see this shell of a person I called my mother be completely absent from herself and life. What "they" did to her taught me to never trust doctors or the psychiatric establishment.
I also flash-backed to when my severely mentally and physically disabled brother went in to respite care to give my mother a break and came out having nightmares, screaming in his sleep from what looked like sexual abuse from staff in the respite center.
Having these flashbacks made me realize that this is another major reason I have masked my own difficulties and struggles, because I was terrified of being vulnerable and powerless in an unsafe corrupt care system.
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on Aug 16, 2019 13:41:10 GMT
I experienced the energies of The celestial event The Lions Gate Portal on the 8/8 as a very powerful, full on, full spectrum purge.
The dental health crisis coupled with Complex-PTSD flashbacks of child sexual abuse, kundalini energy intensification's, and intense neurodiversity / autism / sensory processing overwhelm it triggered me into, afford me the opportunity to experience a similar level of anxiety that I had been blacking out from as a child.
For a few weeks leading up to The Lions Gate Portal the anxiety began climbing and eventually got so high I would wake up shaking, in flashback, with depressive symptoms and suicidal ideation. I could barley eat or drink, I couldn't exercise, leave the house for shopping, or even go on my nature walk, when I tried I would just cry and pray to Jesus to take me home. I didn't want to hurt myself, I just wanted the intense dental pain and deep psychological and emotional suffering to stop. I didn't understand exactly what was happening to me at the time.
As is often the way of it, it is the darkest before the dawn, I woke up in the middle of the night frozen in fear in a panic attack that I wouldn't be able to cope with more dental surgery in the morning, and that it would plunge me further into anxiety and overwhelm. The anxiety was so high that I was afraid I would die from it, and at the same time I prayed to God that I would.
It was at this point that I suddenly had the insight into what the anxiety was being fed by, which was feelings of abandonment typically found in Complex-PTSD when in an emotional flashback and directly related to the child sexual abuse. I then suddenly understood that nothing or no one outside of myself could help me, or save me in this, that I needed to save myself, that I needed to have my own back, that it was an inside job. In that moment I realized that the only cure for the pain and anxiety was to not abandon myself in it, but to stand strong with myself in my greatest fears. That was when I remembered spirits message given to me autumn 2015;
"Before the last leaf falls we want you to understand one thing: There is no loss, only love." - Spirit message given to me on my walk autumn 2015, right before my dark night of the soul.
I feel like this is the biggest breakthrough of my life to date, and I am so grateful for this opportunity to continue to learn, heal and grow. #Gratitude
"Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to die before you die and find that there is no death." - Eckhart Tolle.
Post by The Neurodivergent Unicorn on Aug 23, 2020 12:31:55 GMT
Imbolc 1 February 2020.
I experienced the most in depth and comprehensive memory recall of the childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my parents to date. The relational dynamic was both my mother and father sexually abused me, my mother enabled my fathers sexual abuse of me, was jealous of it and me, and wanted to kill me, as did my father.